Survivors, PTSD and Play

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PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, is most often recognized by the occurrence of flashbacks...a partial and momentary reliving of a past traumatic event. It is best known in relation to war veterans. But, it is also suffered by many others. Those numbers include some people in the fetish community...some of whom are aware of it and others who may not be.

If you should come across someone who is a survivor of a traumatic event and/or is aware of having PTSD who wants to play, should you do so? If you suffer from PTSD yourself, should you seek play knowing that there is a possibility that you will be triggered? Everyone is different. But, unless a person has yet to begin dealing with things or is currently in a very stressful period, it is my personal belief that you can be safe in doing so as long as you know a bit about what you can expect and how to handle it. I'd like to share a personal experience with you and then look at PTSD itself and some simple ways you can prepare to play with those who struggle with it.

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My own experience...

I am a 42 year-old survivor of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Most of this abuse took place during my childhood. But, I was also tortured and gang raped by a cult group when I was in college. I later spent four years in counselling once I realized that trying to dismiss what happened was doing me no good. I came to understand that I needed to face it head on in order to deal with and overcome the effects. It was a struggle. But, I was victorious in that struggle.

I'm able to rejoice in victory again and again, every time I play...whether with my husband or a group of people. Why? Because I know that the wrong touch at the wrong moment can still set me off and trigger a flashback. Because I know that, if that should happen, there are others around who know me well enough to handle it properly. Because I know that "I" can handle it properly.  And, because I only play with those I have come to trust...or at least with someone I trust present.

When my husband and I first met, it was because of the tickling community. He lived four hours away from me. We'd spent countless hours in conversation both online and on the phone before finally meeting. One part of that conversation was the fact of my PTSD and that there was a strong possibility that I could have a flashback during any play we enjoyed. (I hadn't taken part in anything more than simple innocent play with my nephews IRL and knew that more intense play was likely to trigger me.) We discussed specific triggers to avoid and some simple ways that he could help if it should occur.

When the day came, knowing what we needed to be aware of and anxious to have fun, we jumped in and played anyway. We'd come to care for and trust one another enough to take the chance of something coming up. When it did, it was relatively easy to handle it...regardless of the fact that it was a pretty nasty flash. I signaled him so that he would know to stop and step back for a moment. I focused on what was and wasn't real to dispel the lies the flashbacks were telling me. Then, he gave me a wonderful back rub and talked calmly with me as I breathed slowly and gave myself a chance to settle to where I was at peace.

After that, we took a quick break to have a drink of water and then jumped right back into play. The entire "interruption" took about half an hour. The play went on all night...with no further interruption or thought of what had taken place. There have been times since then when I've needed to take a quick break to quiet a trigger that was beginning to have an effect. (Often I can do this while still in the midst of play.) But, I have yet to have another full-fledged flashback during play. The fact that others know enough to handle it properly if I should have one in the future, leaves me confident to play without concern.

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Dealing with flashbacks...

Should you find that someone with whom you're playing is having a flashback, there are some simple things you can do to assist them while it passes. But, first, you need to know that it's happening. There are times when the uneducated eye may assume those who have dissociated (or checked out) in a flashback may appear the same as those in sub-space or head space. *** There are actually some differences that can be noticed if one is as aware of their bottom as they should be.  In addition to the far-away look that goes with sub-space or head-space, you may notice confusion or fear. This can show itself on the face, in the breathing pattern, in the heart rate and in the physical posture of the person. The person could also cry out or struggle in a different way.

If you've discussed things as you should before a scene, the bottom will ideally give you a word or hand signal (different from the safeword if you like) to alert you that they need to stop. But, they may be unable to do so if it's a deep flash. So, being aware of other signs is important for YOU to know.

Let's say you're in a scene and your bottom is letting you know that they're having a flashback and need you to stop. What do you do now? Below are a few helps for both the top(s) and the bottom. A simple review and discussion of them in advance of play can do wonders for putting everyone in the scene at ease.

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Things a top can do...

1) Don't panic! You will do no good for anyone if you panic and are unable to function yourself.

2) Stop the scene immediately. Continuing a scene when a person is flashing can cause a deepening of the flash and increase the time and difficulty of getting out of it.

3) Talk quietly and calmly to the person. This can help them to ground themselves on the reality around them and remove themselves from the flash environment. Keep in mind, however that they may not answer you or be completely aware of what you say...similar to waking someone from a disturbing dream.

4) Don't touch the person without permission. In the midst of a flash, an unexpected touch can be misinterpreted as being threatening.

5) Offer to discuss the incident. Once the person is back to reality, they may need to deal with what took place. Most likely, they will decline. But, the knowledge of that willingness can be a huge comfort.

6) Offer a non-sexual massage. Flashbacks tend to tense people up big-time. A safe massage that avoids any trigger spots can help them to relax and help them to further ground themselves to the present.

7) Take a break. Give your bottom as much time as they need without pressure to recommence the scene. Besides allowing them time to relax and fully return to reality, this will greatly increase the trust they have in you in the future.

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Things the bottom can do for themselves...

1) Let things happen. Fighting the flash while you're in the middle of it will only add to your difficulty.

2) If you can recognize anything as not being a part of the flash, try to focus on that. It will aid you in regrounding yourself and coming out of the flash.

3) Concentrate on your breathing. Slow deep breaths inhaling through the nose and exhaling through your mouth act to settle your system down and help you to relax. This will help you come out of the flash more easily.

4) Muscle tensing and relaxation. As you breathe slowly, tensing and then relaxing muscles from your toes up (one area at a time) will help to refocus the body on real sensations as opposed to those that are part of the flash memory.

5) Be patient with yourself! Though you are likely to be frustrated by the interruption, it doesn't mean that you can't go back to play once you settle down. Keeping in mind that each time you deal with this decreases the frequency and intensity of any future episodes should help.

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Bottom line for all involved. Play safely and well-informed. Then, if something does come up, you'll be able to deal with it and move on more quickly and easily. Don't give up on your ability to play. You can overcome this!

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For those who suffer from PTSD themselves, I highly recommend the following book...

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: The Victim's Guide to Healing and Recovery"

by Raymond B Flannery, Jr., Ph.D.

Publ. 1995 by Crossroad Publishing, NYC, NY

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On a personal note:  If there is anyone out there reading this who is dealing with PTSD and would like to discuss this further, feel free to contact me.   I am not a therapist.  But, I have been there and know how difficult it can be.   You can get beyond it.  I'm more than willing to listen and/or point you towards those who can be of help to you.  Anything you may share will be held in complete confidence.   Ann

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