Negotiation and Safe-Words

.

NEGOTIATING PLAY

It's best to forgo play until potential play partners have negotiated the nature and details of the tickle play the are interested in, as completely as possible.

If you are about to tickle someone you have never tickled before, there should be at least a few words said between you before you begin the scene. Discuss the style of tickling.

.

SAFE-WORDS AND SAFE-SIGNALS

The one being tickled should always have a “code word” or means of communicating that play is too difficult or a limit has been reached, and that the tickler needs to lighten up or stop altogether.

These “code words” are almost always called safe-words; words that are totally out of context, and thus will not be mistaken for part of role-play. Although it's the ticklee's responsibility to safe-word when he/she reach his/her limits, it's also the tickler's responsibility to watch the ticklee's reactions. Common safe-words are "yellow" for lighten up and "red" for stop. Thus other freewheeling reactions during tickle play don’t have to be mistaken for safe-words to control or stop tickle play. A safe-signal is a non-verbal code which carries the same command call, and is used by people who find their ability to speak inhibited during tickle play.

Play must always be limited to the ticklees’ discretion. If a ticklee uses a safe-word, then play must stop (or lighten up for a “yellow”) until such time that the ticklee agrees that it may resume. Everyone at a tickle event is expected to help enforce the sanctity of safe-words. If you hear a safe-word used, watch to make sure the partner honors its’ use and intervene if they do not. Ignoring your partners’ safe-word is cause for expulsion!

A very important additional consideration applies here; even with safe-words in hand, understood and agreed upon, the tickler is not absolved from having to watch carefully the exact reactions from the ticklee partner, and act accordingly. The ticklee has to be responsible as well and willing to stop the scene if being taken too far beyond limits. A ticklee may think it’s fun to reach for the stars, but if taken too far, it can create a bad experience. The ticklee may be in hysterics and flying so deeply into a submissive-space as to be unready, unwilling, or unable to utter a safe-word or make a safe-signal

It is imperative that the tickler partner be aware and on top of the situation. It’s best if the ticklee knows her/his reactions to tickling after some experience and can convey the desired tickling play and limitations to the prospective tickle partner. Some are able to play at those levels, but it’s really better to know what kind of tickle play you enjoy the most and inform your partners about it. Some ticklees are “submissive”; that is they may enjoy a feeling of surrendering to their partner during tickle play. They find it difficult to object or to limit the tickling even when it's their prerogative. The good tickler has to keep this in mind. He needs to pay attention to how a ticklee is reacting. Everything the ticklee hasn't specifically objected to is not by default permissible.

Be honest with others. If you are new to real life social tickling scene, and looking for a someone to do tickling play with, let them know that. Everyone has to start somewhere. Being new does not make you a bad player but exaggerating your experience is dangerous for everyone. Your partners need to know your experience at this.

Be honest to yourself about what you want. If you are new to real life social tickling, you need to determine a bit about what motivates you, to want to experience and be involved in real life social tickle play, and how you wish to use your motivation to best fulfill your tickling experience.

If you’re a ticklee, or a tickle “bottom”, do you feel just playfully tickley, or enjoy just “bottoming” in tickle scenes, or is this coupled with feelings of surrender or submission when being tickled? Do you like to tease and be “bratty” before or, even during a scene? It could be some of all of these, but you need to decide what you want to make out of each or any prospective experience. Likewise, if you’re a tickler, or a tickle “top”, you need to inform your potential play partners what you like, or what motivates you toward real life tickling. Is it also just playful, or is it more control with tickling, or are you a real sadistic tickler. Can you enjoy a combination of motivations and play styles. If so, you need to relay that idea too.

If potential tickle play partners can find enough meeting ground, they can have wonderful tickling experiences. If their notions of the kind of tickling and play are not that compatible, they may need to keep looking until they find better matches.

And be honest about your personal situation. If you are married, hopefully your spouse participates in tickle play with you. If your spouse does not, it is best at least that you’ve communicated with your spouse about your tickle interest and gotten the spouse’s approval to play to some degree socially. And you’ve got to communicate this position honestly to any potential play partners you may meet in a social situation. Whatever you do, do not involve others in non-consensual acts of adultery.

.

NON-NEGOTIATED [THUS LATENTLY NON-CONSENTUAL] INTIMACY

When you are tickling a someone you don't know well, don't become overly intimate, unless you have already negotiated it or you are asked for that intimacy. Doing so escalates the scene to a level of intimacy that hasn't been agreed upon. Alarms will go off, and your ticklee will end up feeling as though the trust has been violated. This is an aspect of tickling that must be reserved for when you know each other better. If the tickler or the ticklee have not brought up the subject of intimate touching, and the ticklee hasn't thought to list it as a limit, that does not give the tickler a free right to touch anywhere.

.

OTHER DETAILS

Once you’ve established safe-words, you can discuss other play style details. When you are considering tickle play with someone for the first time, honestly discuss the kinds of tickling you’ve done before and the kind of tickling you enjoy, as well as what you don’t like as well. If you’re new, and haven’t done much or any real life social tickling before, be sure to let your prospective play partner know that. Once you have some experience playing with someone, you may develop some of that precious quality of “trust”, you will get to know more about what they like and dislike.

.

OTHER THINGS TO NEGOTIATE:

Play limits (e.g. how hard or gentle/playful you like tickling play, and degrees of “intimacy” or areas “out of bounds”)

Safe-words or safe-signals.

Clothing – how much the ticklee wants or does not want to take off, as well as party “rules” on undress!

Tickle toys, techniques, and positions.

Restraints – Bondage is an optional part of tickling and is used very frequently. First, make sure your ticklee is happy and comfortable with the idea and the reality of being tied! If you are planning on restraining your ticklee, it’s worth thinking about the kind of restraint you use. Use common sense with bondage. Think about whether what you use might cause your ticklee any discomfort, and how easily you can release it in an emergency. [A good hint is to have a pair of good EMT shears handy, that can cut through most any bondage material, rope, leather, etc.]

Duct Tape – with plastic wrap or cloth underneath.

Leather – If possible, it’s worth investing in some good leather cuffs - they are designed for the purpose without causing undue discomfort to the ticklee.

Rope – It’s best to use rope attached to other restraints (soft cuffs). Otherwise, if using rope, learn safe rope bondage techniques, use quality rope only, and consider padding joints and tissues under the rope.

Metal [hand] cuffs, for wrists, ankles, and even toe cuffs can be used for --show-- only. Don’t do tickle play with a ticklee restrained by metal cuffs. Pulling and struggling can cause permanent damage to joints, ligaments.

Panty-hose, silk scarves or stockings – are a bad idea. The more you pull on them, the tighter they get and are liable to cause burns or even cuts to the skin.

Stocks – make sure rough or sharp edges are fully padded.

Gags – be very aware of the risks, and possible asphyxia

.